I dream of butterflies

After working in Singapore for 19 years as a domestic worker, Kina Pitono made the difficult decision to move back to Indonesia. She now lives in Jakarta where she works and continues her studies, trying to adjust to live in her home country again. Her husband still works and lives in Singapore. In this article she reminisces on her recent stay in hospital, the COVID pandemic and freedom.

I DREAM OF BUTTERFLIES

It was dark, it was quiet … half of the world was sleeping, but not me. My body ached, I felt itchy all over, and I felt so much pain in my stomach. It hurt, it really hurt, but why? What was going on, what was happening to me? Slowly I opened my eyes, trying so hard to get up from the bed and finally I could sit up and I was surprised to see red rashes. I panicked, scared and so weak because of the pain in my stomach. I reached out to my phone and tried to call my roommate, but only 30 minutes later I managed to get a hold of her because she was charging her phone and had put it on silent mode.

The moment she came to my room my condition was at its worst. The rashes had spread all over my body, my head two times bigger, my eyes and my lips swollen – I looked horrible, like a monster. My roommate was trying hard to keep me calm while she was calling for an ambulance, grab, taxi – I think she was calling everyone in this world to pick up us.

When we reached the hospital, I had to go through a few tests to make sure that I was not positive for Covid-19. I was relieved when the result was negative. Later, the Doctor confirmed that I had  an allergic reaction and also a digestive infection. I felt so much pain, I cried so much. How I wished my mother was beside me. But because of the pandemic, I kept my illness a secret, I did not want her to worry, I did not want to see her tears.  I wanted her to be happy even though I knew she was sad,  because none of her daughters could come back home for the important day which is  our new  year: Hari Raya Idul Fitri.

The hospital room was quiet, the night cold …. slowly I pulled up my blue blanket, I stared at the wall – with a drip on my hand so I could barely move. The nurse came in and gave me some medicine, so I felt better at last. I tried to sleep but I could not. I really missed my family and my husband. This pandemic has so  much impact on all of us and we are forced to face it. We are forced to lose our jobs, we are forced to leave our loved ones behind, we are forced to stop our businesses, we cannot meet our friends and family, we are not allowed to visit medical patients, the world is suffering. Money is no longer the priority, a title is no longer  important, rich and poor are no different -everyone only focuses on their health.

Since the Covid-19 outbreak has begun, each and every morning that we wake up and still have food on the table is a blessing. Some people worry, can they still survive tomorrow or the day after? They might have no income, but their family still needs to eat. The children are no longer going to school, they are forced to stay at home to study. They cannot go outside to meet their friends and play. Their smiles have turned to gloom.

It was 4 pm in the afternoon. I was told to get enough rest after taking my medicines. My phone suddenly rang …  I was too weak to even move my hand to get my phone from the table. It was my friend  who called me, and crying she told me that her mother had passed away. I was so shocked, I cried too. My friend cannot go back home to see her mother for the last time, she cannot say good bye to her beloved mother, she cannot even attend the funeral. I cried as my heart ached, I felt her pain, which must be terrible, hurt, sad, miserable and disappointed…but what we can do? Knowing we cannot travel because of this pandemic saddened me. But I knew my friend has a strong heart, she can hold her pain of losing her loved ones, and for that I salute her.

I stayed in the hospital for 4 days and finally I was discharged. When I got home I had to quarantine  in my room for a week to prevent spreading of the virus to my roommates. I am blessed, I still have people here, friends who treat me like family. They take care of me very well  and help me whenever I need their help.

But still I miss my freedom, I miss going outside to smell the fresh air, I miss listening to sweet voices of the birds singing on the tree, I miss my family back home, I miss spending quality time with my friends, as we talk and we laugh together.

On the other side of me I could see how they wish the same too. I kneel down, I put my hands to pray, dear God please heal our world, Covid -19 has made us realise we have so much to be thankful, to appreciate every blessing , to care and to love our family and friends.  Our health is our priority.  We miss our freedom of life and wish to have back of our normal life.

We dream of butterflies (freedom).

 

Kina Pitono

Jakarta 2020

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